She Got My Back : Why Black Women Deserve Sisterhood

I am so blessed to be surrounded by some real ones.

The other day as I was getting iced tea out of my grandparents’ refrigerator, I noticed something I hadn’t seen in years… a magnet. This wasn’t a quirky magnet or a vacation souvenir; it was one I made in my 4th or 5th-grade art class, which was always my favorite subject in school. It was filled with hand-drawn vibrant colors: a hot pink and tangerine orange sunset, different shades of blue representing the ocean, a set of palm trees, and a bright yellow sun in the center that illuminated the entire picture. You couldn’t tell me I wasn't a baby Picasso! This magnet was special. Two things instantly stood out to me as I looked at it – 1) I’ve always had a deep love for nature, especially the beach 2) I had written my name and my three best friends at the time names inside of the sun. My mind was immediately transported to my eight-year-old self which was when I truly started to understand friendships, even though the importance of sisterhood had long been ingrained in me. 

All the women in my family, including myself, have at least one biological sister. My Mom has an amazing older sister who she loves so much, and she’s been a God-sent aunt to me and my siblings. My Mom-Mom, my maternal grandmother, has one sister, my stylish Aunt Mary, who was one of the kindest and most chic women I have ever known. They lived near one another and talked every single day until my aunt transitioned. My paternal grandmother has two sisters with whom she is super close. She also lived right around the corner from them when I was growing up. Though they each have differences in their personalities and even physical structures, I was blessed enough to see, up close and personal, how they all had beautiful relationships with their sisters and long-standing friendships with other Black women that, over time, developed into genuine sisterhoods.

I am a girl’s girl, always have been, and always will be. As I’ve spent more time on Earth, I understand how invaluable it is to have Black women who are in your corner. A sisterhood can be with one thorough friend or multiple. I often see a lot of discourse on social media about how friendships are “supposed” to be, feel, or look. These very strange conversations always make me even more thankful that I have a mind of my own and that I have genuine friendships with Black women who I love, trust, and respect wholeheartedly. In truth, a sisterhood involves the laughs, the cries, the encouragements, the honest and maybe at times uncomfortable conversations, and the joys. These are all such simple but meaningful aspects of friendships an as a Black women, we are all deserving of that safe space.

We Gone Get These Laughs In

One thing about me is that I’ll never pass up a good laugh! You know the ones where you’re trying to get your words out, but your stomach is hurting like all hell and the tears are forming in your eyes. Laughter has been and always will be good for the soul. With the ebbs and flows of life, we can sometimes take life too seriously and that was never the intent for us being on Earth. The freedom of being my child-like self in my sisterhoods is priceless. If we can’t laugh, crack jokes, or share hilarious videos from TikTok, then what are we really doing? I met my best friend and her older sister while in high school and they have easily turned into my family. I know for sure that whether I talk to them on the phone, FaceTime them, or we’re together in person, we’ll eventually be cracking up and laughing hysterically about something. I’d be willing to bet my last dollar that in their past lives they both—actually, their whole family—were comedians. The way they are so unintentionally funny with their comments, facial expressions, and words makes it even funnier. I genuinely always love spending time with them. Without laughs, life is very boring, and I’m grateful for my sisterhoods where we can laugh uncontrollably about the silliest things.

Tacos & Tears

Everyone has a different DNA makeup from the person sitting next to them. Based on our views, beliefs, and life experiences, we all are wired differently emotionally. Some people are more emotional than others and that’s okay but me, I am a crier and I have no shame in that. For a while, being vulnerable and crying outwardly wasn’t my cup of tea. I was trying to be a hard rock when I had been a gem my whole life; word to Lauryn Hill! Now, I may cry because something beautiful happened, because it feels like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders, because the sun feels so good hitting my skin, or simply because I have no idea why. There’s no denying that it’s possible to have different friends that serve different purposes throughout different times in our lives but at my big ol’ age, something of great importance in any and all of my relationships, is that I can be my most emotional self. In your sisterhoods, there’s no reason why you should hide your authentic self or pretend to be something or someone that you are not.

One of my best friends is basically like another sister to me. We met in 2016 when we both worked in retail on 5th Ave and instantly clicked, never truly working but mores running our mouths all day on the sales floor. While we have some differences in our personalities, we are also so much alike. For instance, we both have Saturn-ruled stelliums, if she had been born just one day later, she would've been the best zodiac out of the 12. Our Venus signs are even the same, so she wholeheartedly encourages and understands the dreamy, romantic love that I envision for myself with an amazing Black man. There’s absolutely nothing in this world that I can’t talk to her about and vice versa. Both of us are major foodies, so we’d always end up at some restaurant especially a Mexican one in Manhattan (RIP Blockheads, iykyk) or in Brooklyn (Dallas BBQ’s or Burrito Bar on Flatbush Ave * chefs kiss * perfection). We’d be in there tearing up some tacos, sipping margaritas, and crying our eyes out about the craziness we had going on in our lives and then laughing our asses off for hours. Whenever I talk or hang out with her, I know I can always me, flaws and all, and never once be judged. Nobody is perfect. We live in a world where Black women are pushed to be something that is unrealistic, so it’s a blessing to have sisterhoods where you can just be.

Oouu Get It, Gurl!

One of the most special feelings as a Black woman is being out and getting hyped up by other Black women, especially by elders. Mean girl energy is weirdo energy, and that’s something I can never, ever relate to. If I’m out and I see a Black woman whose outfit is fly, she has a cute hairstyle, or her make-up is flawless, I'm going to tell her she’s doing the damn thing! When I come across art and/or words by a Black woman and especially if it resonates with me, I support her! It takes absolutely nothing to encourage and uplift a woman who looks like me because why not? You never know what someone is going through. Our actions and words are so powerful. Genuine kindness can take you so far in life, and something you say or do can be that one thing that keeps someone from not giving up on their passions or on life, in general. There are many simple but efficient ways in which we can support one another; referrals, share, like, repost, comment, or even spend a couple of dollars. If one of my homegirls accomplishes something that might seem minor to her or even to the world, I’ll still big her up every single time because duh! 

Quite a few times this year alone, I’ve had conversations about whether friends should support each other’s business, art, and/or words. If you start a business, would it be nice if your friends purchased from you once it launched? If you’re a writer, would it warm your heart if your friends subscribed to your Substack publication? Of course it would, especially if it’s something you’re passionate about it. But again, everyone is wired differently and that it may not be the reality for some. One of my best friends who is a busy, boss-ass woman working a 9-5 and running a booming business which was just featured in The NY Times, and is a Mom, is subscribed to my Substack. She has told me multiple times how she looks forward to Wednesdays, when my essays go live, and almost always gives me her thoughts on the essay after she’s read it or listened to the voiceover. She knows how much writing means to me and taking the time to check out my words whenever she has the chance truly means so much to me. Essentially, sisterhood is a sense of community and I can’t speak for everyone but I love encouraging my friends in whatever they may be working on and I’ll always deeply appreciate when that support is sent to me as well.

Keep It Real, Sis!

I know I’ve said this quote in at least one of my previous essays but “honesty is always the best policy.” Having people around you who won’t or can’t check you (respectfully) is a no-go for me. Don’t say “yes” to everything I do or say; please let me know when I’m being out of pocket and ridiculous. Open and honest communication is a must. I pray all of my friends feel the comfort of knowing that I am here to talk, to listen, and to hear them out when conversations need to be had. I am always open and ready to receive constructive criticism. Last year when one of my homegirls hurt my feelings real bad, in a calm manner I immediately let her know how her actions had affected me. She apologized and I still felt it was important for me to gave her some space as I navigated through my feelings.

I’ve always heard, especially on social media, Black women talking about friendship breakups, something I never imagined happening until it did. I wouldn’t even call it a breakup but a best friend of twenty-plus years, who I had always felt was like a sister to me, just started to seem like she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Whenever I would call or text her to say “hi” and just catch up, see how she was doing, I could feel a lack of desire to communicate with me. I was crushed to my core. It hurt more than anything I had experienced with ending a relationship with a man because this was like my family. This was someone who I thought I would be laughing with, still going to our favorite artist's concerts, and sharing the joys of life like watching our kids grow up together as we got older. For a long time, I took it personally. Did she grow apart from me and just didn’t want to say that? Who knows but I probably would have felt more at peace if she had told me an honest reason for why she didn’t value our friendship anymore. When I asked her what was going on and if I had said/done anything offensive, I was honestly left feeling confused, maybe a little even more than before I called. She said it, and it was clear, that I hadn’t said or done anything. Whatever it was was something going on personally within herself. Uncomfortable conversations with the people we love is never fun but it’s necessary. If you can’t be honest with your friends, are they really your friends? I pray everyone feels they can always be open and honest about their feelings, good or bad, within their sisterhoods.

Let That Joy In

Joy is a word that has to be used when talking about my friends because that’s exactly how I feel being around them. This summer was a goodie! I was outside every single day, trying new activities, meeting new people, going to concerts, performing at open mics, and creating new memories with my homegirls! At the start of summer, my best friend from high school asked me to come visit her as she had just recently moved and was preparing for her beautiful baby girl to enter this world; she’s now Earthside and just the most precious bundle of joy! Without hesitation, I took a six-hour train ride helping organize her new home, laughing with her, repotting her plants together, two-strand twisting her long and thick hair, going to the beach, and even missing my train back home because we were being greedy eating black bean and plantain quesadillas. I’m not a mother yet but I’m always completely mesmerized and mind-boggled by the changes and transitions our bodies can go through while growing a whole human being inside of us. I was overjoyed that during the summer leading up to her baby’s arrival, I was able to help her around her home and spend time with her. I’ll cherish that forever and it was the absolute best way to start my summer!

I deeply enjoy just sitting under the sun, letting its strong rays cover my skin. During this past summer, one of my homegirls and I went to a Field Day event on Governors Island hosted by A Safe Space Mentor. Our inner children were having so much fun! We played dodgeball, double dutch, and ran in a potato sack race. It felt like I was back in middle school! But we also hadn’t seen each other in close to a year, so we had some down time where we sat in the grass on our blankets while other activities were going on and just caught up, talking about what had been going on in our lives. To wrap up the summer, I had a picnic with one of my homegirls and we sat in the grass at a park in Philly and chatted for hours. There’s always so much joy that the simple things bring me. I’ll always love a balance of both city and nature life and it brings me joy to hang out, wherever with my friends. 

My feelings extend beyond the words blessed and grateful when I think about the sisterhoods I have in my life. As humans, women, and especially Black women, in a world where we way too often carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, in our hearts and throughout our minds. It’s only right that we have one another to have each others backs and with whom we can laugh, cry, encourage each other, be honest, and create joyful moments with. I pray every Black woman knows and cherishes the women in her life who continuously love, uplift, and respect her. If you don’t have that, I pray you are able to create a meaningful, authentic sisterhood where this safe space is your reality.

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