Believe Black Women The First Time
It's really that simple.
*** WARNING: This essay talks about the topics of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. ***
*takes a deep sigh* It makes me so sad that I even feel compelled to address this topic. The relentless ridicule, silencing, and questioning that Black women face when we speak out about abuse and mistreatment makes my head hurt and my stomach uneasy. I am tired. This piece comes from a place of frustration and hope—watching courageous women share their harrowing experiences, only to be torn apart by people who choose to side with their favorite celebrities rather than believe those who have suffered. Time and time again, society places men, especially those with fame and money, on pedestals, ignoring the fact that they are indeed humans too, just as capable of inflicting emotional, physical, and sexual harm.
When the traumas of Megan Thee Stallion and Cassie surfaced, I was extremely disheartened to see their validity questioned. It made me sit and think about the countless women, including those who don’t have celebrity status and who remain silent about their experiences because they are told to be quiet, fear dismissal, and disbelief. In this piece, I explore the harsh reality that no one is above being an abuser or being a victim of abuse. I’ll challenge the questions of “Well, what did she do to him?” or “Why did she wait so long to say something?” which both undermine the experiences of Black women abuse. We’ll dive into why some remain silent about their abuse and discuss how we can be genuine allies—by supporting, uplifting, and believing Black women who bravely share their stories. I also want to make it very clear that, yes, there have been women who have lied about abuse, but those instances are NOT what I am referring to anywhere or anytime in this essay.
There are no physical traits that determine whether someone is an abuser. You can not judge a person's capacity for abuse based on their skin color, height, smile, body type, or even whether or not you find them sexually attractive. Children are like sponges, absorbing everything they see, hear, or experience, especially in their early years. If you grew up in an environment where abuse—whether emotional, physical, or sexual—was regular, you might either strive to distance yourself from that kind of life in adulthood or may find yourself repeating those same or similar harmful patterns. In celebrity culture and broader society, there’s a troubling tendency to hold our favorite actors, rappers, and even family members to an unrealistic standard. We seem to believe that because we have a connection with their artistry or love them, they are incapable of being abusive, which is far from the truth. That mindset is highly flawed and very dangerous. The idea that someone “couldn’t” be an abuser because we admire them is a grave misjudgment.
Far too often, people dismiss the possibility by saying, “No, he couldn’t have,” when in all actuality, yes, he could have and probably did. Questioning the validity of a woman’s experience carries profound disrespect, disregard, and lack of empathy. Furthermore, the idea that someone’s physical appearance could make them less likely to be a victim is just as misguided. It’s unsettling to hear other women say, “That could never be me,” when they see or hear of another woman suffering from abuse. *blinks strangely* a vital lesson I have learned in these thirty-one years is never to say never. No one is immune to abuse. Sure, how long you may choose to endure it might vary from person to person, but thinking you could never be on the receiving end of emotional, physical, or even sexual abuse is a form of denial I am not willing to entertain.
I've heard people say things like Megan Thee Stallion was "too manly" to have been shot by a man who is 5'7", which is not only absurd but deeply offensive. The excuses made to invalidate a woman’s abuse are consistently outrageous and unacceptable.
In 2009, it was everywhere that Chris Brown and Rihanna had gotten into a physical altercation where she was highly bruised to almost an unrecognizable measure. I remember, being in high school, hearing people say, “Well, what did she do to him?” as if there was any justification for physical abuse. Back then, I found it extremely strange that someone would question if a woman deserved to have a Black eye, multiple bruises, and all sorts of lumps and bumps on her face and body. Now, in 2024, I continue to see this question all over the internet and in conversations when women open up about the abuse they experience. When it came out that Cassie was abused, both physically and sexually, by her ex-boyfriend Sean “Diddy” Combs, many people questioned what happened between them, what part did Cassie play in all of this, and “why did she wait so long to say something?”. People often say, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” and I’ve always found that statement false. These two questions solidify that.
I am unsure if it’s because of my big heart and ability since a young age to view situations from different perspectives, but I never questioned anything she accused him of, and I didn’t wonder why she waited so long. Firstly, speaking openly about being violated in any capacity is never an easy task. Being a public figure with a substantial-sized platform can make that 10000% more difficult. Secondly, Diddy is a billionaire with tremendous power within an industry that picks and chooses when to respect women anyway. It seems like a no-brainer why she didn’t say anything. With lots of power comes the ability to get away with unthinkable things because most people don't even want to go up against someone with such status and loads of money. They know the possible consequences of doing so. Even if a man is a broke, no-good bum, their rage is still frightful and unpredictable, leaving a woman fearing her life for what could be of it if she decides to speak her truth.
Think about how that video in the hotel hallway of Diddy handling Cassie as if she were a rag doll. That video was captured years ago; why is it now coming to light? I have mixed feelings about the things that have become available for our eyes to see at any moment because, in one aspect, there is now undeniable evidence that this did happen, and hopefully, justice can be served. Now, don’t always count on the law to do what they are “supposed” to do. Look at the plenty of Black people who have been tortured and/or murdered at the hands of cops while on video, as they walked away scot-free while the other person is severely injured or in a casket. But also, this is a personal, vulnerable, and extremely triggering part of someone’s life that is now at the fingertips of millions of people to share and comment on worldwide. Her silence could have stemmed from many reasons, including her fear and embarrassment and knowing that many people instantaneously pick a side, with hers being the latter. Not only do I see these questions coming, but they are asked by Black people, people who look like me and the victims; I cringe. I know all skinfolk ain’t kinfolk, but what hope do we have when our own people question the experiences we have, even if there are pictures, videos, and bruises to prove it?
Believing Black women the FIRST time they speak up about emotional, physical, or sexual abuse is really that simple. As a community, Black people possess incredible power and influence, especially when we come together. Even if you haven't experienced abuse yourself, it costs nothing to stand with those who have. Embrace them with open arms, listen actively, show them respect, pray for their well-being, and advocate for their stories to be heard, recognized, and genuinely cared about. Too often, people feel unsupported and remain silent, suffering in isolation. When we come together, beautiful things happen. By uplifting each other, we create a supportive environment where sharing experiences helps us heal and protects future potential victims.
~ If you’d like to send a couple of dollars for 🫖 or ☕️ while I’m sitting at the coffeeshop writing these essays or working on fashion projects: Buy Me A Tea/Coffee
This is needed. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for speaking on this.